ViewingFork

Shallvay

2006-11-22T16:43:00.000-08:00

“Shallvay!” Dieter called.

Shallvay did not answer. Dieter had been trying all morning to reach her, but as of yet he had been unsuccessful. At daybreak she had run off to fetch the enamel filament from the local dealer, but as the sun reached it pinnacle she was nowhere to be found.

This was not the first time that she had wandered off.

Only four years earlier she had gone off to the cow parts market, but never arrived. She had hit her head on the road and in her haze was convinced by a group of wily youngsters that she was “Smapty”, the town prostitute. Dieter had found her later that night, but by that time the boys had no quarters left.

After that Dieter had been more careful about where Shallvay went.

Dieter led a dangerous life, the pick pocketing, racketeering, sheep pimping, ect, but he was careful never to involve Shallvay in any of it. When he first saw her, he knew he loved her. She sat in the local tavern, dress soiled with mud, sweat and god knows what else and as her eyes rolled back in her head and the beads of saliva coming out of her mouth multiplied, Dieter knew he had met his woman. They immediately began a torrid affair, one that was often marred by Shallvay’s rampant stupidity.

When dieter first brought up the subject of sex to Shallvay, she somehow confused what he was saying with a request for Mexican food.

Needless to say the town would never forget the “taquito incident”.

At the occasion of Dieters mothers eighty-fifth birthday party, Shallvay had presented Mrs. Dieter with the severed head of her late husband Hansel, sealed in a glass jar filled with split pea soup.

Everyone at the party marveled at the amount of vomit an eighty-five year old woman could produce.

And the incident at the carnival had become the stuff of legend, and if you brought it up in front of Dieter he would still get mad that the sheriff had confiscated all his Vaseline jars.

None of this was on Dieters mind at the moment. He was still calling for Shallvay. He had now ventured over a mile down the road. As he looked back and saw the dust of an approaching carriage he cursed himself for giving his pants to that beggar a half-mile back. And as a cold autumn breeze came across him he double cursed himself for forgetting to wear underwear today.

The carriage approached and as it reached him the curtain went up on the door and out peeked Mrs. Populment, the frightfully obese cook. The carriage did not stop, but as it passed she popped her head out the door and spoke to Dieter.
“Pears and grapes do not you own,
through your pants you hadn’t sewn,
Down the bend and back again,
Hello Mr. Happy, my little friend.”

And with that she continued on her way.

Dieter walked to a puddle on the side of the road and packed mud around his midsection. As he started to walk the mud fell off or fell into the crack of his ass. He silently yelled at every cartoon he had ever watched.

As he walked down the road in his nightshirt, no pants, and brown crap dripping around his waist he was a sorry sight. Around Suntbrick road he heard a strange noise coming from the wood. He peered in he saw Shallvay doing something to a bear that would make Jesus vomit out his nose. Dieter quickly ran over and broke it up. “What the hell are you doing?” he yelled at Shallvay.

“I thought he was you,” she pleaded.

Dieter turned to the bear. “What do you have to say for yourself?” Dieter asked.

“When I reach in for honey, bee’s sting my paw,” the bear responded.

“Is that all you can say to defend yourself!” Dieter yelled. The bear pondered this for a moment then spoke.

“When my bottom itches, I rub it against the bark of a tree.”

“Damn you bear!” Dieter screamed as he led Shallvay out of the wood. “Damn you to hell.”

The bear shrugged, bent over and started rubbing his butt against an oak.

Fun for all!

2006-10-02T17:50:00.000-07:00

CLICK PICTURE TO ENLARGE

My completely useless skills

2006-09-21T21:25:00.000-07:00

ok, so i am not lying here. I can connect any actor to Lord of the Rings or Star Trek via another actor in five steps or less. I am the ultimate nerd obviously. An example would be, Mr. Roper aka Norman Fell. Here is how it works:

Norman Fell was in THE GRADUATE with Dustin Hoffman who was in SPHERE with Samuel L Jackson who was in STAR WARS EPISODE 2 with Christopher Lee who played Saruman in LORD OF THE RINGS.

What about Star Trek you say? I can go through Lord Of the Rings to get there.

Norman Fell was in BULLIT with Robert Duvall who was in DEEP IMPACT with Elijah Wood who was in LORD OF THE RINGS with Orlando Bloom who was in KINGDOM OF HEAVEN with Alexander Siddig of STAR TREK DEEP SPACE NINE.

What do i do with this "skill"? Is it taking up brain capacity that could be used to help cure diseases or solve energy problems? Much like Spiderman;s ablilities i find it to be a curse and a gift.

Please note i never use the internet. When i do this it is at the moment. Often without prompting. Oh god...

Anyway, I challenge anyone to stump mel. Leave a name in the comments section and i will do the connectionl.

A History of Bad Cinema Volume 4: If Looks Could Kill

2006-08-17T17:06:00.000-07:00

Look at the picture to the left. Lets count how many things are wrong with it.

1. First off, what the hell is wrong with Richard Grieco's face? Is just me or does he look like he should be on Fraggle Rock? There is an unnatural softness to it. Plus it is oddly shiny, not Renee Zellwegger shiny mind you, but I don't like weird shine. It makes me question a persons character.

2. Despite looking as good as he did from any point during the period covering 1985 - 1999, Roger Daltry still looks ridiculous. If at any point in your professional life you have worn a suede vest with fringe and no shirt underneath, you cannot try and play tough by posing with a gun. Sorry it can't happen. I understand Roger has tried to be an actor since the Who have not been viable in any form since 1979, and I say that as a huge Who fan, but can't he just live in the English countryside and stopping trying to act?

(side note: it's weird that both the Who and David Bowie had their last great triumphs in 1979. Have two huge acts like those two ever just stopped being good at the same time like they did? Maybe Keith Moon was as invaluable as everyone assumed. (side side note: don't get on my case about Bowie or bring up Let's Dance. That doesn't fly with me.))

3. Back to Grieco. You are supposed to be a bad ass. Stop smiling like you just got your tummy rubbed by your mommy. I can't believe so many people had their money on this guy in the 'Who will be the biggest start to come out of 21 Jump Street' sweepstakes. How were so many people so wrong? Its like the time I traded a Ken Griffey Jr. Upper Deck rookie card for a Dwight Smith rookie card. I apologize to non baseball fans for that, but trust me it was stupid.

4. It looks like Daltry is about to shoot Grieco in the head. Actually I like that part of the picture.

I only saw this movie once, when it came out in the theater. I don't have any desire to ever see it again. I honestly don't remember much about it other than a lot of shooting at a castle with high school kids. I think the lady who played Fraiser's wife on Cheers was in it too.

But this piece of Bad Cinema holds a special place in my heart. It is the first film I honestly remember thinking, 'wow that was bad'. I was taken to the movie by a babysitter who lived with us for 7 months (don't ask) and I think she was bored. The movie started late, and when I inquired as to why she said "maybe the projectionist is getting laid". I had no idea what that meant, assuming it was code for falling asleep or something.

Up to that point I had seem plenty of movies in the theater and had only had one bad experience: A Fish Called Wanda (Lets just say as a seven yearold, the killing of one dog in a movie was enough to send me running from the theater in tears. It happened 3 times in Fish) So something that was just bad was a new experience to me. It made me not want to see bad movies and therefore read reviews and become educated about what I was going to see. So in a way this piece of shit was what made me love movies. I doubt many people can say that about anything staring the Grieco.

Los Angeles Times film Critic Kenneth Turan (high on mushrooms) discusses film and other things with a 17 foot, honey crazed bear

2006-08-09T15:02:00.000-07:00

Kenneth Turan is one of the most respected film critics in the country. A veteran of the Los Angeles times he wields considerable power with his well written reviews.

Tim Tam is a abnormally large bear who loves honey and possesses the ability to speak passable English.

Preserved here for history's sake is a conversation two that took place not to long ago as the two of them wandered the forest, Turan tripping on mushrooms, Tim Tam searching for honey.

TURAN (Whispering): Tim Tam, you remind me of a childhood teddy bear of mine. I would dress Mr. Rumples in army fatigues and fight bear wars. In my mind Mr. Rumples spoke like Charlton Heston and possessed the ability to strike fear into the hearts of others with a glance. At least I think it was in my mind. Reality is very tenuous some times. Much like in the Matrix quadrilogy when Ted is told by Ike Turner that the world isn't real. I feel like that all the time!

TIM TAM: Honey tastes good in my belly.

TURAN: I like that bear in Star Wars. Chewmacca. That's his name right? He had the bandoleer of gum drops and growled all his words like Lauren Bacall. He seemed so powerful and comforting. I bet he was a gentle and considerate lover. I can almost feel those strong arms wrapped around my naked body, him growling sweet nothings into my ear. Oh how I would laugh with joy, and return his affections ten fold. I will say this only once: If I had to make love to a big screen bear, it would be Chewmacca. If possible I would have his half bear child.

TIM TAM: I like fish, but if I am made to choose, I will always choose honey.

TURAN: Fish. (Groaning with pleasure) Oooh I love fish. I would never put this in print, but for my money the most amazing performance by a human animal on film was Don Knotts in the Incredible Mister Limpet. That film tore my heart asunder. It was the Schindlers List of its day. Imagine Tim Tam, the pain and anguish of turning into a fish and having to work for the navy. A similar fate befell my uncle, except he turned into a vicotin addict instead of a fish. But he did work with sailors in a manor of speaking.

TIM TAM: When getting honey you get stung, but my hide is strong. For fish you must go into the water and it chills me to the bone.

TURAN: Water is the stuff of my life. You know? Have you seen the movie Like Water for Cocoa? Its about a naked cowgirl who escapes from a pirate Johnny Depp? It was horrible. Don't get me wrong Tim Tam, the special effects were amazing. For example the scene where Esmerelda, who of course was the always naked cowgirl, has to outrun a stampede of rampaging Sauropods on her vespa while her six armed monkey sidekick sword fights with Johnny Depp. The detail on the monkey fur blew my mind Tim Tam. IT BLEW MY MIND!

(Tim Tam runs off towards a flock of geese. Turan does not notice)

But it just seemed like I had seen that sequence shot for shot in so many other movies. I will give them credit for the originality of the double squirreled smack flap scene. The way the camera followed Esmerelda at ankle level as she transversed the valley of angry gnomes was ingenious.

TIM TAM (Returning covered in goose feathers): Once I have gotten honey from a hive, I will always urinate on the tree so that others know it is mine. It is the way of the bear.

TURAN: Nicholas Cage urinated on me once. It was at a press junket for Snake Eyes. I know what you are thinking, and no it was not a golden shower type situation. I think he just needed to go and I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. It was pretty humiliating, but I must admit that his urine did have a pleasant smell to it, like pretzels mixed with candy corn. Not as nice as Martin Landau's urine, but lets face it who's is? But i guess Nic Cage can do what he wants, after all he is famous for his urination scenes in movies. I just saw World Trade Center and the way he uses pee to express the tragedy of that day is poetry.

TIM TAM: Ride me as you would a horse Turan and together we will find honey.

TURAN (getting on Tim Tam's back): Oh I do love a good ride. Just like that scene in The Godfather Part 5 when zombie Fredo summons the power of Zeltor the Destroyer and together they ride to Corleone Castle to avenge the defeat of the Nine Armies. Hi ho Tim Tam!

Together they ride off into the sunset.

Where the Hell Have I Been?

2006-07-31T15:40:00.000-07:00

Ugh. Sorry about the long silence. It's been busy of late, veering into the category of 'crazy'. I got married, left the country, came back and then went bi-coastal for a little while. For proof check out the honeymoon photo (faces redacted to protect my identity and the identity of Mrs. Twittlebotton). What little time i have had to write has been in the service of Tuning Fork. But i am back with some quick hits of movies i have watched lately. And look forward to more frequent updates now that i have some cash and the need to shop.

MUNICH: People love to hate on Spielberg, but i thought this was a decent effort, better than anything he has done since Minority Report (an underappreciated Sci-Fi bonaza if ever there was one). Beautifully photographed, the film contains another great performance by Eric Bana, an under the radar favorite of mine. Check out his breakdown when his little girl gets on the phone with him. Also of note is the new James Bond, Daniel Craig. If nothing else he is engaging anytime he is on screen, which i suppose Bond needs to be.

As has been well documented, the last few minutes are badly handled. Has anyone else noticed Steven can't end movies anymore? Don't even get me started on the end of War of the Worlds. But Munich is a solid B.

CHRONICLES OF NARNIA - Ok, i watched this after avoiding it in theaters because it had done so well and so many people said that since i loved Lord of the Rings i would dig this.

What a total piece of shit. I mean this movie was HORRIBLE. I was bored, then angry at the poor set and character design, then bored again. Next came a long period of looking at the clock wondering when it was over and then joy as the movie wrapped up. The children in this movie were horrible, the 'plot' meandering. I never believed the reality of this fantasy world. At least try to be convincing. It is obvious that some of the people who worked on this come from an animation background. Beauty without context does not do it for me. I must believe that the only reason that this film made so much money was that it was a good way for parents to quiet their kids for two hours.

And what the fuck was up with Santa Claus?

RAN - Finally bought the Kurasawa masterpiece on dvd. If you havent seen it go get it, cause you will rarely see a director working at such a high level so late into their career. A retelling of King Lear in fuedal Japan, this film even more than Kagemusha showcases the director using color the most brilliant way possible. From the color coded armies to the rolling green hills and the fortress in flames, Kurasawa contructed a film on par with any of his earlier work.

SUPERMAN RETURNS - I went to the theater. Hooray!

I loved this movie. I am not a comic book fanatic so I was allowed to let this movie come to me on its own terms. I also did not have any real fondness for the Donner original. I always thought the set up for that film (Brando on Krypton, Clark growing up in Smallville) was better than the rest. So I was delighted by Bryan Singer's film. As usual it looked beautiful, with any number of images being better than the entire running time of X:3. Brandon Routh did a nice Christopher Reeve impression and Spacey was nice as a very menacing Lex Luthor. One gripe and one more piece of praise:

Kate Bosworth was not bad, but was surely the weak link here. I didn't care for her and she was too young to be Lois Lane.

Singer inserted a kid into the movie. Don't read further if you don't want a SPOILER. ok. The kid has powers like his dad. He uses them halfway through the film. It works. I totally dreaded that the kid would save the day in the end. But nothing happens. Most directors would show off these powers again and maybe even a third time. Singer knows that doesn't service the story and keeps the kid tamed. Great choice.

I am going to go see this again in IMAX 3-d just for the plane-shuttle sequence alone.

THE SHAGGY DOG - I saw it on a plane. I needed something to distract myself from the turbulence. Lets end this right here

Third time is no charm

2006-06-08T14:35:00.001-07:00

As I sat in the theater last weekend watching X-Men: The Last Stand, two things came to mind:

1. Superman Returns will have to make me crap my pants if I am ever to forgive Bryan Singer for abandoning this trilogy and leaving it in such dismal shape.

2. Why does the third movie in a trilogy always betray characters by dumbing them down?

The first thought I could go on about forever. But enough has been said about the awfulness of the film. But I have been thinking a lot about the second thing. In the third X-Men movie some of the main characters experience this de-coolification. Professor X goes from being an understanding chap to a rude and abrupt asshole who seems to hate Wolverine all the sudden. Magneto betrays his character completely by abandoning Mystique without a moments hesitation.

What the hell?

In X2 Magneto and Mystique are as close as an elderly gay mutant and scaly shape shifter can be. And then all the sudden because she is no longer the same as he, its over? What a load of crap.

Ugh and Wolverine. The line "Re-grow those," took him down about 7 notches.

So in this spirit here are some other characters who suffer in the third chapter of a trilogy.

MARCUS BRODY & SALAH - INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE: Remember how Brody was a smart and capable man in Raiders of the Lost Ark? And how Salah was resourceful and a key ally in the same film? Well apparently the screenwriters forgot all of this when the third film came around. Brody must have developed a neurological disorder because there is no way he is smart enough to be a professor of antiquities. To watch him bumble around like a helpless infant is sad. If you were lucky enough to get Denholm Elliot in your film, why waste him? Same goes for Salah. Here he is a stereotype, a raving man scared of the littlest thing. What a waste.

HAN SOLO IN RETURN OF THE JEDI - Wait I am seeing a pattern here. Stupid George Lucas.

I guess this one was inevitable. Han didn't give a shit for two movies, what with shooting Greedo and taking the Millennium Falcon on spin through the asteroid field. Jabba must have injected him with wimp juice while in the carbonite, cause suddenly Han cares and is not better off for it. Harrison Ford wanted Solo to die in this movie as he felt it the next logical step. I couldn't agree more.

EVERY CHARACTER IN THE MATRIX REVOLUTIONS - Still trying to figure this one out.

DR. MCCOY IN STAR TREK 3: THE SEARCH FOR SPOCK: A shocking transformation here. The beloved ships doctor is suddenly and inexplicably a make-up wearing gay man. Watch an early scene in a bar and be baffled and shocked as Bones tries to pick up on a male alien and then becomes enraged when his advances are spurned. I wouldn't have minded this if Bones had been gay all along, but he is for 1/2 a film and then never again in the series. Very confusing.

MICHAEL CORLEONE IN THE GODFATHER PART 3: Not much Pacino could have done here. A lot of it has to do with the fact that having Robert Duvall and James Caan next to you makes you seem cooler than George Hamilton. Its a simple fact.

There are notable exceptions. Aragorn became cooler in part three (but the text was written as one so it kind of doesn't count), Bruce Willis was the same as ever in Die Hard With a Vengeance. Even Lucas improved his characters in Revenge of the Sith, although it should be pointed out there was nowhere to go but up. Lets just say that if Peter Parker cries all the time and starts collecting stamps in Spider Man 3, I am going to be pissed.

Don't Quit Your Day Job: Musicians As Actors

2006-05-30T12:55:00.000-07:00

I was watching Last Temptation of Christ the other day, and the scene were Jesus comes before Pontius Pilot comes on. My lady, who had never seen the film, says "is that Bowie?". I always forget he is in the movie. And it got me thinking about musicians in the realm of acting. So here is my ten favorite performances by artists knows primarily for their music. Let me know if you have your own:

IGGY POP ON STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE: Uh yeah, it happened. I am as shocked as anyone. Iggy played a Vorta (Who of course oversaw the Jem Hadar. How do I know that? Uh look over there!). Sadly James doesn't have the best acting chops. His dialog was stilted and reactions slow. Still something oddly hypnotic about seeing him in full alien makeup. If you have ever longed to see one of the fathers of punk enter a battle of wits with a group of Ferengi on an abandoned Cardassian outpost, well this episode is for you.

DAMON ALBARN IN 'FACE': As far as I know this is his only film appearance. He joins Robert Carlyle in a heist film set in London. The bad news is that he acts about as well as Shaun Ryder sings on the last Gorillaz album. On the plus side, if you squint your eyes he kinda looks like Jude Law.

JOE STRUMMER IN 'STRAIGHT TO HELL': I could have picked any number of musicians who appeared in this Alex Cox curiosity. Shane McGowan, Elvis Costello, and Courtney Love are just a few of the ones who appear. But Strummer is front and center as a member of a criminal gang who lands in the oddest town in the west. As a pissed off thug with a love of guns, Joe shines. You keep hoping he will shoot Love throughout.

DAVID BOWIE IN 'THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST': I probably should have picked 'The Man Who Fell To Earth', but this role was fresh in my mind. Bowie is a good actor and has proven that many times on film and stage. But I perversely enjoy seeing the Thin White Duke condemn Jesus. What can I say? Its a pop culture explosion in my brain.

FLEA IN 'BACK TO THE FUTURE 2 AND 3': Another one who actually can act, as proven in 'My Own Private Idaho' and 'The Big Lebowski among others. But in BTTF 2 and 3 he shines as Needles and absolutely owns the line "What's the matter? Chicken?".

ANTHONY KIEDIS IN 'POINT BREAK': Keeping with the Chili Peppers theme is Kiedis's role in the Keanu/Swayze surf robbers film. Not a good performance by any stretch of the imagination, yet it is somehow great. He is ridiculously over the top with his little rat tails. He does a good job convincing you of the pain of being shot in the foot.

GRACE JONES IN 'A VIEW TO A KILL': *Shudder*. Not much to say here other than the fact that Grace Jones was a Bond girl proves something was wrong in the 80's.

BOY GEORGE ON 'THE A-TEAM': This may be my all time favorite. The plot goes like this: Face in managing Boy George and books him in a honkey tonk (who think they have booked Cowboy George). A bank robbery and lots of macho posturing follow. The team is able to save the day, of course, and Boy George plays Karma Chameleon to the now happy cowpokes. Maybe the most enjoyable 48 minutes of television ever made.

JOHN LYDON IN 'CORRUPT": I have spoken of this one before in this blog. Horrible thriller about a psychopath (Lydon) who has a battle of wills with a cop (Harvey Keitel). Only enjoyable on a kitsch level. Lydon is quite bad. Worth checking out is his reality series "Rotten TV" which had some very interesting moments.

ART GARFUNKEL IN 'BAD TIMING': Did you ever want to see a sexually charged thriller staring Art Garfunkel, with nudity included? Then step right up!

5 Thoughts on Me You and Everyone We Know

2006-05-21T13:55:00.000-07:00

ME, YOU AND EVERYONE WE KNOW - DIR. MIRANDA JULY (2004 MGM)

THOUGHT #1: I never thought that I would come across another movie that operated in the same tone poem realm as Punch Drunk Love, but this film comes awfully close. Both films use the soundtrack as a character and color as an indicator of emotion. While Punch Drunk Love used rage and loneliness as the point of departure (and also a great excuse to have Adam Sandler kick out some sliding glass doors), Me You and Everyone We Know takes the same loneliness and makes it something that doesn't inspire rage but instead small bits of rebellion.

Its smart, sweet, a little perverted and never fails to keep you interested. It has structure, but that is secondary to the way it feels. At heart its about how instead of bringing people together, technology actually separates us from each other. All the characters in this film realize that and struggle to re-discover the innocence they have lost.

THOUGHT #2: Writer, director, star July looks like Rachel Griffins had a baby with Emily Watson (I know this is not possible). And she sounds a bit like Kathy Griffin, only not annoying. This is a really striking first feature, the type that makes you excited for future endeavors from the artist. I have heard from people that July is a performance artist in San Francisco and she uses this background very well in the film. The parts where she is presenting her audio-visual art feels real and somehow not awkward or offputting, as a lot of visual art can be. Her vision of the stuck up its own ass art world is hilarious and sadly a bit spot on.

THOUGHT #3: This film contains one of the oddest and funniest exchanges I have seen in a while. I won't ruin it if you haven't seen it, but it involves an internet chat room, a 5 year old boy and a lot of discussion of poop.

THOUGH #4: The best sequence in the movie, which I will detail so read ahead if you don't want to know, is one in which two characters walk down a street and lay out the road ahead as a metaphor for their coming relationship. A sign halfway down the street is six months to one of them, but thirty years to the other. This is a very literary concept and in no way should work in the construct of a film, but the actors (July and John Hawkes) are so sincere and their chemistry is so honest that you can't help but go with it. As they begin their relationship it isn't the standard 'meet cute' but a much realer and organic kind of thing.

It is always a bit exciting when you watch a film where people don't meet bumping into each other while walking working in rival advertising firms or some other such nonsense. Most meetings are like the one depicted in this film, in a department store. And there is a lot of wrangling and apprehension and awkwardness. You know, real life.

THOUGHT #5: I cannot emphasize enough how hard it is to have a scene in a movie where a 5 year old boy meets someone from an internet chat room in a park and not have it be a horrifying encounter. But July pulls this off as well, and it is actually one of the sweeter and most touching scenes in the movie.

OVERALL: Highly recommended if you enjoy strange films that make you think about your own life. And if you don't like that, then whats wrong with you?

Blatant Self Promotion

2006-05-12T09:55:00.000-07:00

So as if i don't have enough on my plate i have yet another site for you all. It reviews nothing in particular and more or less lets me rant and rave. It is a horrifying journey into my life and mind, by way of the random things i posess. So if you have a spare moment check out Crap I Own. Thanks

TQT

A History of Bad Cinema Volume 3: The Core

2006-05-09T16:42:00.000-07:00

I know this a newer movie, and you should always wait five years before declaring something a classic of bad cinema. But The Core is the exception to the rule. This film vaunted into new classic status the day it opened in theaters. Years from now people will look back at this film as the start of a new generation of bad cinema.

The basic set up of the film is this: the Earth's core has stopped spinning, causing the magnetic field produced by the spinning core to start to break down. So of course this lets in radiation from space that kills people with pacemakers and melts bridges and cities. Its up to a rag tag team of scientists to delve into the core and set off a series of nuclear blasts to set the core spinning again. All of this is of course scientifically accurate I think. No wait I think the term I was looking for was completely full of shit. Yeah that's it.

Bad Cinema has to contain at least two of the following: bad dialog, ludicrous plotting, shoddy sets, no regard for reality of continuity and horrible acting and or overacting. Just two of those can get you into the Bad Cinema realm. The Core fires on all cylinders. Its amazing. Lets review:

BAD DIALOG: Few films have made me laugh out loud in the theater more than this one. Some prime examples:

"Imagine this peach is the Earth, and this spray can is the Sun's radiation"

"My God, it's like a crystal Grand Canyon!"

PILOT: I'm dodging diamonds the size of Rhode Island. SCIENTIST: Grab me one, will ya?

"The Earth is healing itself!"

LUDICROUS PLOTTING: The entire scenario is ludicrous. But even better, they have a limited amount of time to put together a plan to get the core spinning again. So they get together all the resources and equipment in a couple months. Makes sense.

Now you may ask, isn't the inside of the Earth very, very hot? Yes it is. So how could any vehicle go through that? Well The Core answers that question by inventing a ship made out of, get this, Unobtainium. This is a super-magical material that actually gets stronger as the heat and pressure put upon it increases. I am no science major, but even I know this is hogwash.

SHODDY SETS: The Core almost avoids this one. That is until the aforementioned Crystal Grand Canyon, which resembles something Kirk and Spock would have traversed in the original Star Trek. Its a gigantic geode. All the girls i knew in school that loved Lisa Frank Notebooks and unicorns would have killed for a geode like that.

NO REGARD FOR REALITY OF CONTINUITY: Ok, so let us suspend disbelief for a moment and say that all the crap that is impossible in this movie is possible. Even then things happen which make no sense. If the Earth's magnetic field failed, wouldn't it fail en masse? Well not in this movie where holes open up that allow laser beams of super hot radiation to pinpoint locations like the Golden Gate Bridge and other things that look cool while melting.

HORRIBLE ACTING OR OVERACTING: There is some brilliant overacting in this movie. That is amazing since the cast includes a two time Oscar winner (Hillary Swank, who obviously took the role to pay off a mortgage) and such respected actors as Aaron Eckhart, Alfre Woodard, Richard Jenkins, Stanley Tucci and Delroy Lindo. The overacting winner here is Tucci, as Dr. Zimsky. I think Tucci was going for cheese and he ends up covered in the stuff.

Here is the important part: I enjoyed this movie immensely. Not on the terms it laid out, but as a horrible movie in every way. My two companions and I laughed harder at this movie in the theater than any comedy I have seen in the last five years. Its that bad (good).

PS: I didn't realize until months after the fact that this movie starred Aaron Eckhart. I seriously thought it was Thomas Jane. These guys are totally interchangeable. I feel bad that I went around for months telling people that Thomas Jane was in this horrible film. Sorry Tom.

Your Stomach Ate My Hand, You Jerk

2006-05-01T16:19:00.000-07:00

I am working on something much bigger for later in the week but here is a short review. And yes i have been on a Criterion Kick.

VIDEODROME - DIR. DAVID CRONENBERG (1983 CRITERION COLLECTION)

I hadnt caught this film in a while and i am pretty sure the last time i saw it was on a vhs copy (appropriate i guess since this film is filled with vhs, some that breath). My first piece of advice is not to watch this film and then immediately go to bed.

Bad Idea.

I had some genuinely strange dreams that night. I believe there was one where my cat merged with my TV remote and chased me around the house spewing some sort of soupy substance at me. This was really confusing. My remote and my cat love me, so the odds of them conspiring to mess with me are very low. Another involved Debbie Harry, who stars in Videodrome. Oddly she was just standing around. I always thought if they made a Peanuts movie that she should play Lucy. Their head shape is similar.

Anyway this is such a visual mind fuck of a movie that i wanted to keep checking my limbs to make sure that weird new appendages werent sprouting out. When James Woods shoots Barry Convex in the head and his body explodes into a rampaging cancer that grows out of his chest i thought i had seen it all. And this is way past the point where Woods' TV becomes a living thing and he sticks his head inside the screen to satify it. Yup. I defy anyone to definitivly say what is going on in this film, and i guess thats the point. Television is the retina of the mind, it says. It changes its reality so often i never knew what to believe. Its odd that i like Cronenberg yet hate David Lynch. The ambiguity is exactly what i hate about Lynch, yet i am ok with it here. I think it comes down to the fact that I feel that there is an underlying meaning and purpose to Videodrome, while most Lynch movies feel over indulgent, chaotic and have no purpose but to confuse.

Here we have a simple plot of man runs tv station, man watches video which controls his mind and then man grows slit in stomach which hides his gun and grinds peoples hands. You know, that old story. James Woods is really the perfect choice to play a sleazy TV exec. Read any interviews the guy gives now and you will see that he is a creepy fellow.

Have you ever noticed that James Woods has always looked the same? Its almost as disturbing as his gun attaching itself to his hand in this film.

Cronenberg has certainly grown 'mature' as a filmmaker over the years, evidenced by A History of Violence which was my favorite film of last year. But if you've come late to him check out Videodrome and especially Scanners. He has been the master of the freaked out for years. There is some tricky social commentary here about the relationship between us and the detached entertainment we consume. I don't want to get into a BS discussion of reality Tv, cause this is a blog and its been done. But watch Videodrome and try not to think about your viewing habits and if it effect you. I certainly did.

EXTRAS

Nice production notes from on set reporter which inlcludes many sickening things they cut out. Best of all is the uninterupted Videodrome video as well as the full length Samuri Dreams softcore porn that they shot just for this film.

The packaging simply rocks. The outside cover (pictured above) is nice, but the slip out clamshell case is made to look like a VHS copy of Videodrome. If i ever meet anyone from the design team at Criterion I am going to give them a hug.

OVERALL
Entertaining, confusing, disturbing and thought provoking. And i didn't even mention Debbie Harry putting out a cigarette on her breast. B+

I completely geek out for a moment

2006-04-25T17:05:00.000-07:00

Ok, I guess this isn't a secret to anyone who knows me, but I am a Trekkie. Well I was a Trekkie up until about 1999. That is when Deep Space Nine ended and the franchise went down the toilet. By the time Star Trek: Nemesis came out I barely cared and that movie sent me over the edge. It was a film that managed to insult and bore me. Plus they screwed over Wil Wheaton, which is never a good idea. Good job assholes!

So I didn't know how to feel at all when I heard that JJ Abrams, he of Lost and MI:III fame (and, uh, Felicity), will be writing and directing an all new Star Trek movie. I mean I am excited that Star Trek lives. At the same time i am holding back my enthusiasm. Let me explain so you understand:

I once loved Star Trek with a passion now only reserved for my fiancée, Otter Pops and the T-Fork. I watched every episode, I owned every figure, I even attended a convention or two. I would yell at total strangers if they said that Ricardo Montalbon wore a fake chest in Star Trek 2 (He didn't! He's just buff!!!). I saw Star Trek First Contact 9 times in the theater, and wasn't ashamed of that fact. I can still recall every line from the film ('Jean-Luc blow up the damn ship!'). But I got older and Star Trek became lamer. I don't mean by this that as you get older Star Trek seems silly.

Cause it doesn't.

I Literally mean that the franchise was in a serious decline. It started with Voyager, a cool enough concept that was never entertaining, and often dreadfully acted and directed. Then they added the token sex kitten to the series. This was a major 'uh oh moment'. When DS9 went off the air in '99 it was the end. That was the least watched Star Trek show, but certainly the best. And yes this is a debatable point, although even thinking about debating it makes you a nerd. What followed was two bad movies, the end of a bad series in Voyager and the quick start and death of another bad series in Enterprise. The He-Beast that was Producer Rick Berman turned a geek pleasure into a souless monster. I was sad when i saw the last movie. I don't even remember it as i only saw it once. It spit in the face of the fans, something that had been happening for a few years, but on the big screen. It was too much.

I have honestly believed that Star Trek had to die to be reborn. Well i guess i got my wish. And fresh blood is what is needed. I am tired of shoddy productions and bad sets. That is what Nemesis was. Give Star Trek some love. I love special effects as much as the next guy. But Star Trek was best when it was about ideas and characters. I cry every time Spock dies because he was such a perfectly realized character*.

So it is with guarded hope that I follow this and hope that my inner geek will be able to emerge once again. Don't rush this and dont skimp on the production. I swear fans will love you for it.

*If you don't cry when Spock dies you have no soul. Sorry its true.

Young Mr. Lincoln - 1939 (Criterion Collection)

2006-04-16T12:22:00.000-07:00

Dir. John Ford

My Fiancée can be a weird lady. She loves violent films, and was once heard to remark "I like it when large things explode on screen". Yet she has watched the 1968 version of Yours, Mine and Ours eight (!) times in the last couple years. What is the fascination with a cheesy family flick? This paradox has confused me. When I asked her she told me simply, "Henry Fonda". What is it about this man that gathers fans from across the entire film spectrum?

First off there is something to be said about an actor who thrived on playing decent men. A perfect modern example would be Tom Hanks, who has never played a villain in any film. Fonda of course gets bonus movie nerd points for playing one of the top five film villains of all time in Once Upon a Time in the West. But of course the majority of his career was spent in films like 12 Angry Men, The Grapes of Wrath and the film above, Young Mr. Lincoln. This is a film I had never watched before this DVD viewing, but now would recommend to anyone. It very skillfully pulls off the tough task of showing us the formative years of a great man without making him into an infallible being. Credit Fonda's performance as the main reason for this triumph.

Instead of the common theme of Lincoln as great man later in life, Young Mr. Lincoln focuses on the period when Lincoln was just starting off as a lawyer. It frames this time around a fictional defense of two young men on the charge of murder. This gives Director Ford the chance to show a young man in his prime, just coming into the greatness that will later emerge. I often think of the Lincoln of the 1860's, a man buried under the pressure of keeping a nation together. It is easy to forget that as a young man he was vital and strong, hence his nickname 'The Illinois Rail-Splitter'. The Lincoln we see here is strong of both mind and body. His courtroom demeanor is fantastic, keeping the room alternately in rapt attention and uproarious laughter.

The young man that is Abraham Lincoln, played by Fonda with a prosthetic nose that apes the real Lincoln, is a good man with an innate ability to influence people into his way of thinking. In one scene he confronts a lynch mob on the steps of the local jail and slowly but surely brings the crowd around until they disperse in shame for what they were about to do. There is a physical sense of push and pull to this scene as if he is deliberately pulling a rope length by length. Here, as in all his roles, Fonda uses his voice to great effect. It is a muted mid-western twang, and his speech pattern is slow, deliberate and soothing.

As he showed in many of his westerns, Ford was a composer of starkly beauty scenes. Of note here is an early set piece in a graveyard next to a river covered in floating ice. It is striking and memorable. There is a reason many film purists prefer black and white and this film is prime example of its advantages..

The film at times is funny, moving and above all entertaining. Unlike many films of the period it does not attempt to bestow sainthood on an important American figure. We get a man who is learning how to use his gifts of humor and oration. Ford was the master of combining these elements and this film must be considered one of his early triumphs.

EXTRAS

Many archival interviews and features including a great 1975 BBC interview with Fonda. Also has a downloadable mp3 of a radio dramatization of the film.

Its Criterion so of course the packaging looks fantastic. Just look at that cover. Beautiful. My only real complaint is instead of the split clamshell for double DVD they have staggered the DVD inside making it difficult to remove the DVD's without fear of hurting the physical disc.

OVERALL

An overlooked classic. A

The Great Movie Give-Away

2006-04-15T15:27:00.000-07:00

Much like Pitchperfect likes to give away music to music lovers over at Tuning Fork, I will be sharing the love with movie fans. I have an extensive vhs collection that is slowly being replaced by dvd. So instead of getting rid of my vhs i offer them to you. Here are the terms:

A) Check the comments section to see if anybody claimed the movie you want to win first.

B) If the movie you want has yet to be requested leave a comment saying your first name and the movie you want. This will let others know the movie has a new home.

C) Email me at tuningdave@hotmail.com your name / address / and movie you want. Thats it. Here is what is up for grabs

1. The Apartment (1960 Dir. Billy Wilder) Letterbox - Wilder's classic tale of promotions and mistresses. Stars Jack Lemmon and Shirley MacLaine. We have a winner.

2. No Man's Land (2001 Dir. Danis Tanovic) - Oscar nominee about warring Bosnians and Serbs trapped in a trench together. Great mix of drama and black comedy.

3. Magnolia (2000 Dir. Paul Thomas Anderson) - Sprawling ensemble piece about lives interconnecting in the San Fernando Valley. See Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Tom Cruise in a much more dramatic setting than the upcoming MI:III. We have a winner.

4. Blade Runner (1982 Dir. Ridley Scott) Letterbox - Director cut of film, ie no tacked on ending. Particularly enjoyable for Edward James Olmos's nonsense speak. We have a winner.

5. Lawrence of Arabia (1962 Dir. David Lean) Letterbox - Justifiably called one of the greatest films ever made. The main Arab and Turk parts are played by an Englishman, an Angelo of Mexican descent and a Puerta Rican. Go figure. We have a winner.

Good Luck and check back next week as there will be reviews and features everyday!

A History of Bad Cinema Volume 2: They Live

2006-04-10T17:41:00.000-07:00

Here is the litmus test of a truly great bad movie:

A couple years back my former roommate and I arrived back at our house around 1:30 in the AM after attending concert in Los Angeles. We were exhausted and hungry, and nothing works better for these symptoms than a spudrito (Burrito with French fries inside it). So we stopped off for spudritos and thought we would just arrive home, eat and go to sleep. We collapsed onto our couch and turned on the television while we ate so that we'd stay awake. On channel 57 was They Live. Suffice to say we stayed up until 3AM so as to not miss a moment of a film we had each seen at least ten times. That is the power of the Bad Film. And few are as awesomely bad as They Live.

This is a film that has a very special place in my heart. I can watch this anytime, anywhere. It’s horrible and I am pretty sure it knows this, but it still goes all the way. The basic plot, for those who don't know, involves a drifter who discovers a pair of sunglasses that offer a frightening view into the real world. You see Aliens have taken over and pulled the wool over our eyes. Subliminal messages that read 'Obey' and 'Consume' are everywhere. But the drifter has the magic glasses so he can see through the subterfuge. He decides to take a stand, or as he so eloquently puts it "I've come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass, and I’m all out of bubblegum." It’s entertaining, its filled with ludicrous dialog and takes place in a bizzaro world version of 1980’s LA.

One of the basic rules of making a bad film is to cast 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper as your lead. Sadly few directors have the guts to cast him. His delivery of the line "ain't love grand?" to another man as he cleans the blood of his own face is the stuff of legend. Young Brando has nothing on middle age Roddy. It may be true that he has only one expression, but within that expression is all of humanities hopes and dreams. He has the face of a beautiful angel, battered by time and Andre the Giant. I have heard people say that humans were created in the image of their maker. I don't know if that is true, but if it is I think it is likely that Roddy Piper was the first off the line.

Everything is great about this film, but the centerpiece is an epic 11 minute fight between Roddy and Keith David. It is ugly, it won't stop, and it is not at all glamorous. You just can't believe that it keeps going. And every time you think it is going to stop it just keeps on chugging along. How to best explain how great it is? I must find a fitting metaphor. I guess it’s like a never ending buffet of macaroni and cheese, only this cheese is sweaty and used to be a wrestler. Yes it’s that good!

They Live was written and directed by John Carpenter, who has always treaded the line between actual good films and bad films that are fun. Some of the later include Big Trouble in Little China and Escape from LA (Escape from New York is a genuinely good movie, so it doesn’t count). If I had to choose only one Carpenter film to watch this would be it, with The Thing a close second. Sadly he has actually started to make real bad films, i.e. ones that are unwatchable like Ghosts of Mars. That one definitely would have made it to bad-good film if original lead Courtney Love hadn’t dropped out. Alas for lost opportunities. Or as Roddy would say "Life's a bitch, and she's back in heat!"

It goes without saying that the film is a magnificent piece of trash, and I can’t give a higher piece of praise.

The Duellists - 1978 (Paramount)

2006-04-09T21:59:00.000-07:00

Dir. Ridley Scott

If you have ever engaged in the style over substance debate in relation to the films of Ridley Scott, and what self respecting film nerd hasnt, then The Duellists is exhibit A for either side of the argument.

Scott was already 40 years old when he made The Duellists, his first feature. In the ensuing 25 years he has made two bona-fide classics (Alien and Blade Runner), a few very entertaining films (Thelma & Louise, Blackhawk Down, Matchstick Men) and one highly overrated Best Picture winner (Gladiator). But The Duellists clearly represents the mode in which Scott has worked throughout all his films. He loves the visual aspect of filmmaking more than anything, and what you see with your eyes will always come before the story. Certainly people who don't 'get' Blade Runner can appreciate it on a purely visual level. (Side note, if you do 'get' Blade Runner and haven't read Future Noir: The Making of Blade Runner by Paul M. Sammon, I highly recommend it.)

The Duellists stars Keith Carradine and Harvey Keitel as officers in the Napoleonic army who engage in a series of duels over the course of sixteen years. The cause of the first duel is a trivial thing, so trivial that it becomes forgotten as the years pass. The duels take on a life of their own, morphing into a bloody quest for honor. Neither man is willing to give and even though the years pass and the world changes around them they continue to encounter each other in fields of personal battle.

Even Scott's worst films (Black Rain) contain beautiful images, and The Duellists is anything but his worst. Europe at the beginning of the 19th century is presented realistically, and the costuming of the men at war is garish and wonderful. Each duel is is different, as each time they meet a little more is at stake. The first duel is in a cramped courtyard, with no space for the combatants to move. Of course Scott would perfect the use of close quarters a year later in Alien. The second duel is in a farmers field, the third on horseback. The most memorable meeting of the men is not a duel at all. While on the Russian front the men briefly become allies. The landscape of the front is stark, with the corpses of men sitting frozen where they died. It is a horrifying depiction of one of the worst military blunders of that or any century.

Of course no review of a movie featuring Harvey Keitel can fail to mention the man. Harvey isn't the star of the film, but certainly it is more entertaining when he is on the screen. If all you know of him are his larger roles, do yourself a favor and seek out some of his lesser roles. One I would recommend is his role in Bad Timing, playing a ex-pat police officer who may or may not be the alter ego of the protagonist. Another film to check out would be Copkiller aka Corrupt. This is notable as it is the only film in history to feature an ongoing psychological battle between Keitel and John Lydon. Yes that John Lydon. Keitel is always enjoyable to watch no matter what the quality of the film. He has an uneasy energy to him and even in moments of kindness can seem ready to burst at the slightest provocation. This is the essence of his character in the Duellists.

The fact is i would rather watch a beautifully shot movie with Harvey Keitel with a skimpy plot than an overwritten film with boring cinematography.

EXTRAS

Director commentary and Scott's first short film. The packaging is standard mass market, with unexciting cover art. Take a look at the original poster below and tell me that wouldn't make a better cover. Lets have a big sigh for settling for the middle of the road.

OVERALL

Historical dramas can often be slow and tedious, but this is not one of them. Not a perfect film, but entertaining nonetheless. B

A History of Bad Cinema Volume 1: Zardoz

2006-04-05T19:18:00.000-07:00

{Note: This is the first in a continuing series on bad cinema. Not film that you watch and go, "that was bad." These are the films that are so bad that you invite friends over to watch them and revel in their outrageous misuse of film stock. Enjoy.}

I could start this history lesson with a lengthy opening paragraph on the many ways Zardoz is bad. I could craft a fine-tuned piece of observation and analysis. But apparently a picture tells a thousand words, so let me present this picture below:

You see what I mean? I can end this lesson here if I want to. But, oh boy do I not want to. Just take a long look at Sean Connery in thigh high boots, bandoleer and a red, uh, diaper? Cod piece? Slice of heaven? Thats not even to mention the awesome amount of manly hair. And the ponytail? Perfection.

You would think that early in pre-production of Zardoz someone would have taken a look at this costume and realized they were heading down a path that no filmmaker should take. This is the pivotal point of any bad film. The point when the entire disaster can be diverted and thousands of moviegoers spared. Sometimes people reach this point and think 'boy, maybe we shouldn't make a sequel to the Howard the Duck." Thankfully for us the year was 1974 and the people in charge of production were obviously on a wide variety of mind altering hallucinogenics.

Zardoz bafflingly tells the story of Zed (Sean Connery), a 'brutal' who lives in a post apocalyptic wasteland. Occasionally a giant floating stone head comes by and spits firearms out of its mouth while spouting phrases like "the gun is good. The penis is evil. The penis shoots seeds!" (Remember what I said about lots of drugs?). Anyway one day Zed hops a ride in the giant head, which is filled with frozen naked people, and lands in the Vortex. This of course is the last refuge of the intellectuals of the world. There Zed is studied, incites rebellion, uh, wears a wedding dress for some reason, and ultimately brings about the destruction of the Vortex. And somewhere in there we learns a shocking truth about Zardoz. Hint: If you have the brain capacity of a chimp you can figure it out.

So why is this movie so perfectly bad? Well for one, you spend most of the movie wondering how the hell they convinced Sean Connery to do this film. What aspect of it appealed to him? After playing James Bond for so many years did he think to himself, "Boy I would love to run around in a giant diaper for a couple months"? The man was an icon before this, and he went on to many more iconic roles afterwards. But this was dangerous territory. Remember Michael Caine was on top of the world and then made on too many horrible movies and ended up in Jaws 4.

Zardoz was written and Directed by John Boorman, who was just coming off the hit Deliverance, a pretty great movie best know for the rape of character actor Ned Beatty by a fearsome group of hillfolk. I understand that after a hit most directors want to do their dream project and people are willing to give them the keys to the kingdom. Boorman obviously had a lot of ideas in his head, and there was the possibility that he could have crafted an enduring classic. Zardoz has an interesting premise of privileged society decaying while living off the lower classes. But the execution is baffling and obtuse. Endless shots of mirrored halls and frail naked British women are meant to show the futuristic and alien aspect of the timeframe but only serve to make a film that has a very retro-hippie view of the future. It has not aged well.

I don't want to give away every little thing in this movie. If you havenÂt seen it you will be amazed. You will quote it to friends. You may even buy the DVD to hear Boorman try to explain it on the commentary. But you will be entertained.

This movie is horrible. I highly recommend it.

PS: Boorman's next project was supposed to have been a 1977 live action version of Lord of the Rings. I am convinced this would have been the Gone with the Wind of bad movies. We will never know.

Frank Whaley and the ghost of Norman Fell discuss the dismal opening of Basic Instinct 2

2006-04-03T21:14:00.000-07:00

Frank Whaley is an actor who has appeared in such films as Pulp Fiction, JFK, and Swimming with Sharks. He has been a stalwart of indie films for 19 years. He lives and works in Los Angeles

Norman Fell was an actor best known as Mr. Roper on Three Company. His other credits include Bullit, The Killers and Catch-22. He has been dead for 8 years. He 'lives' in a shadowy nether world, neither heaven nor hell.

The two got together recently to discuss the opening weekend of Basic Instinct 2.

FW: So Norman, with millions of dollars spent on advertising, a media blitz and a successful film it was sequelizing, Basic Instinct 2 couldn't even make $4 million dollars this weekend. What do you attribute that to?

NF: Where am I? I feel no pain yet I have no concept of space or time either.

FW: So you're saying that they waited too much time to make this sequel? Interesting point. It has been almost fifteen years since the original. And honestly I think that much of the success of that movie had to do with controversy, something this film doesn't have behind it. You can only show your naked body so many times before people get bored.

NF: I can see, yet it is not sight. A dark fog clouds all around me, pulsating against my nether-form. I can feel the souls of others brushing up against me. Its crowded, yet it isn't.

FW: Norman you are totally correct. It was a crowded marketplace this weekend, but you would think the people not seeing the Ice Age sequel would want to see something more adult. But it didn't appear that way. The reviews were brutal, yet you would think that at least some would show up. What would keep them away in such large numbers.

NF: I had seen the face of God. It was warm and smelled like a marshmallow. But perhaps I was not in his favor, for I was sent away.

FW: So you think that Sharon Stone has fallen out of favor with the American public? You hit it right on the nose. Did people even like her in the first place? She seems crazy. I bet she sleeps in a hyperbaric chamber wrapped in seaweed.

NF: I think I saw Thor, God of thunder. I am so confused. Why would a Norse god be here? What is this wicked place?

FW: You lost me there Norman.

NF: Swirling darkness! Let me sleep my sleep of ages!

FW: Oh. I guess you think it was shoddy direction that led to the movie just being plain boring?

NF: Who are you disembodied voice? What path shall I tread?

FW: It's me Frank Whaley.

NF: I don't understand! The voice haunts me!

FW: Frank Whaley. I'm an actor.

NF: The 'Big Kahuna' burger guy?

FW: Yeah

NF: Oh hey, I love your work.

FW: Thanks

DVD Domino - 2005 {New Line}

2006-04-01T16:41:00.000-08:00

Dir. Tony Scott

“Domino is less a movie than a hyperkinetic slide show -- presented during a nuclear attack."

This just about sums up the critical reaction to Domino. But I bet that within five years half of all dorm rooms across the country will have Domino on their shelves. This a piece of entertainment that literally screams cult movie.

Written by Richard “Donnie Darko” Kelly, who does have some choice dialog (““if 2 live crew has taught us anything…”), the film presents itself as a “true story – sort of”. Yes the real Domino Harvey was the daughter of a famous actor who gave up a career in modeling to become a bounty hunter. But that is where the true part of this story ends. Unless of course the top of the Stratosphere hotel in Vegas did in fact explode while filled with the FBI, the mob, and a billionaire in the last five years and I missed it.

Kiera Knightly plays Domino as a sort of riot grrrl with a shotgun, ditching the good life of Beverly Hills to join bounty hunters Ed (Mickey Rourke) and Choco (Edgar Ramirez). Somewhere in this hallucinogenic pseudo reality is a plot about a an armored car robbery, a Christopher Walken produced reality show, mob bosses, the FBI and a Afghani driver named Alf.

Why is he called Alf? Because they can’t pronounce his name and he once ate a cat. He drives the bounty hunters in an RV customized with giant menacing teeth painted on the front, accented with nailed-on monkey skulls.

The plot is just a framework in which Tony Scott bounces a vast array of memorable characters off each other in an imagined dreamscape that never approaches anything like real life. I am confused as to how this film was so criticized for its rapid cutting and bleached out visuals, yet his previous film ‘Man on Fire’ was well received. Domino is essentially the same animal. This is simply what Scott does. You can go all the way back to Top Gun. If you didn’t like it, well you don’t like Tony Scott films. Domino can easily be described as a Tony Scott film, only more so. In a DVD featurette Scott describes the film as bounty hunting on acid. If that sounds like something unpleasant to you, then skip this.

Scott likes to play with his medium and while some can find it frustrating I find it to often be daring. This isn’t meant to be a challenging story, but Scott is challenging the way you watch a film. You will never have a minute long tracking shot, no time to ponder any visual. You need to keep up because he is going to throw everything in his arsenal at you. At one point the bounty hunters accidentally drink coffee laced with mescaline, and you may know how that might feel when watching the film. This is the definition of what people have called MTV filmmaking. Well I watched a lot of MTV growing up so it appeals to me. I can take it all in and process it. I understand some can’t. At any moment the screen is packed with copius amounts of information, not to mention the soundtrack, which is always present and loud. It is a visceral experience.

I have to say I do like Tony Scott films and I honestly liked Domino quite a bit. As I mentioned before the characters are more important than the plot. Knightley’s Domino is actually one of the least interesting ones up on the screen (although her asking a frat girl if she has had a nose job before slugging her in the face is pretty hilarious). Mickey Rourke continues an interesting career revival, and again he shows that his is talented and just plain charismatic. His Ed is the father figure of the bounty trio.

Mo’Nique shows up as Lateesha , a DMV employee with giant earrings that bear her name. In a random aside to everything else in the film she goes on Jerry Springer to proudly take her crown as ‘The world youngest mixed race grandmother”. You see she is a ‘Blacktino’ and uses a mixed race flowchart to rally for government recognition of her ethnicity.

Christopher Walken, wearing giant red old man glasses, doesn’t have much to do in his roll as a producer, but who cares? Nobody in the world can make the word ‘wow’ sound more fantastic.

And did I mention that at one point Ian Ziering of Beverly Hills 90210 {playing himself} kisses Tom Waits in the middle of the desert? Um yeah it’s that kind of movie.

EXTRAS

An interesting featurette on the real Domino Harvey, who died of a drug overdose shortly before the film was released. It filled with interviews with her and those who knew her, and its pretty honest.

Also included is the aforementioned ‘Bounty Hunting on Acid’ featurette, some ho-hum deleted scenes and audio commentaries.

OVERALL

Was Goodnight and Goodluck too fast paced for you?: F
Did you used to stay up till 2 am watching 120 minutes on MTV?: B+

DVD Kill the Moonlight - 1994 {Plexifilm}

2006-03-30T11:37:00.000-08:00

Dir. Steve Hanft

I had never seen this low budget feature before my DVD viewing, but as a resident of LA now and in the early nineties I have been aware of it for a while. As Slacker was to Austin, Kill the Moonlight is to Los Angeles. Both feature aimless young men moving through town, but at least here the 'hero' has a stated purpose: Earn enough cash to fix his car and enter the local stockcar race. But purpose is incidental in this tale.

Most know that in some way or another this film spurred Beck into writing Loser, and bits of it were used in the video for said song. If there was going to be a loser who inspired me it would be Chance, the racecar driver who works at a fish hatchery in Fillmore. I don't know if you've been to Fillmore, but people there do one of two things: burn out or leave as soon as they are of age. Chance hasn't left, and spends his day trying his hand at gardening, waste removal, various types of larceny and the aforementioned hatchery. He isn't smartest guy around (witness him taking off his bio-hazard suit as toxic fumes rise around him), but he is an optimist who goes through life with a detached air about him.

As a huge fan of randomness and non sequitors I was easily amused by Kill the Moonlight. Its pretty funny when it wants to be. Highlights include Chance's story about the man and a lady fish, the toxic spill and the stealing of a shotgun. Easily the best scene is one in which Chance is swimming. He emerges from the pool where his friend is sitting. He eyes a bottle of juice sitting next to her. Asking if he can have some he proceeds to chug the entire bottle. In print: not that funny. On screen: hilarious.

But lets be honest. There is little to no plot or depth here and consequently your enjoyment of this movie will greatly depend on your level of intoxication and/or the number of people watching it with you. Alone and sober this is a poorly shot oddity with moments of inspiration. Liquored up and in the company of friends and its possibly the greatest comedy ever made. Keep that in mind.

EXTRAS

In addition to the DVD, the package comes with a bonus cd of music from the film. That includes some rare early Beck songs. You know back when he did crypto folk songs with hilariously long titles like 'Last night I traded my souls innermost for some pickled fish' {included here}?. Its all good stuff from him, light years away from the polished yawn fest of Guero.

The DVD itself includes a short interview with Director Hanft. He is affable when reflecting back upon the experience of making the film. He has since gone on to a successful career directing music videos. The booklet contains a short essay about the film by Hanft as well. It contains the amusing bit of info that he was once in a punk band with the creator of Spongebob Squarepants. Weird.

Packaged in a standard clam shell case, the cover art is a nice with a pic of Chance surrounded by a montage of stockcars.

OVERALL
Sober: B-
Drunk: A+

DVD: Naked - 1993 {Criterion Collection}

2006-03-30T11:36:00.000-08:00

Dir. Mike Leigh

If there has ever been a film that more perfectly captures the mind of the self destructive genius, I don't know it.

In Mike Leigh's acid laced film about a man drifting through London, viscously deconstructing everyone and everything he comes across, David Thewlis embodies a character that many of you should be familiar with. That is you should be familiar with him if you have spent enough time around any community of artists. They are the person who's knowledge of the world around them far outweighs their ability to actually function within that world. That is certainly Johnny, a genius of a drifter with a mean streak far to long for his own good. It is a tribute to Thewlis that despite Johnny's manifestation of his rage at the world (his general disdain for, and occasional abuse of women) we never really stop connecting and even sympathizing with him. Everything about him is raw.

Thewlis is a fairly fantastic actor who of late has hopped between good roles in the indie world (see his turn as a brutal gang boss in Gangster #1) and mainstream (a surprisingly touching role in the better than it had any right to be Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkhaban). Sadly he has to pay the bills in trash like 'Dinotopia' and *gulp* Basic Instinct 2. But he has never been any better than he was in Naked. It is as magnetic as any performance in the last 15 years. He uses his brilliance both as a weapon and a shield. There is no statement he doesn't have a rebuke for, no opportunity to show his intellectual superiority missed. Other actors may have just made Johnny one note, but true magic of Thewlis' performance is to subtly show that underneath the veneer of eloquent rage and vitriol that he spits out, Johnny is a wounded and frail creature. Wrapped in a black overcoat and slightest of beards, he is a bastard for sure, but that is not his true self. He simply cannot help himself. At every turn he rejects kindness of affection, never letting anyone close and punishing those who try.

In a small quiet scene near the end of the film he sits on the floor next to a toilet seat, bruised and sick from his wanderings, and we see a glimpse of a different Johnny. He is gentle and vulnerable and for a brief moment accepts the affection of one of the woman he has toyed with for the whole film and beyond. It is a fleeting moment of hope, a hope soon to be dashed, but for that brief time an alternate Johnny emerges.

The film has been condemned by some as misogynist, but look at it with an objective eye and you will see that it is really an equal opportunity offender. Certainly the female characters are abused in all manners, but the men are either brutal or inept, which is not exactly a ringing endorsement of male superiority. Their is no one is this scenario who isn't wounded or otherwise cracking up, and no one gets off scot free. The levels of dysfunction vary from Brian, the lonely future obsessed security guard, to Sophie, the insecure roommate who gets all sorts of horrors visited upon her. Of course anyone who watches this film will never forget Sebastian, the smug and frankly evil landlord who rapes Sophie. He is a frightening embodiment of wealth represented as amoral, someone to whom the lower classes are to be used for amusement.

Apart from story one of the pure joys of the film is the rapid fire dialog, delivered by Thewlis with a natural wit and speed.

"Energy formed into matter, matter cooled, matter lived, the amoeba to fish, the fish to fowl, the fowl to froggy, the froggy to mammal, the mammal to monkey, the monkey to man"

{Side note: For this man to keep using the word 'froggy' brings about more than a little amusement, but you buy it, another tribute to Thewlis.}

Leigh went on to larger acclaim with 'Secrets and Lies' but as the purest expression of his improvisational style, Naked can't be topped. Having the actors shape their dialog and the very roles they play in the creation stages of a the film give a naturalism rarely seen. The dialog above is from the sequence where Johnny spends a night with Brian the security guard in a blank purposeless building. As they talk Johnny lays in quick succession a series of facts and theories which point to the date of the end of the world. So convincing is Johnny that despite that apocalyptic date having passed i was sold on his theory.

EXTRAS:

Criterion usually supplies the goods, and this is no exception. Audio commentary, a trailer, Mike Leigh Interview all included. The stand outs are an Interview with Filmmaker Neil LeBute, who's In the Company of Men shares more than a few genes with Naked. But the most fascinating extra is a Mike Leigh short film from 1987 called 'The Short and Curlies' which features Thewlis as a young man who cannot pass up a single opportunity to use a joke or pun, and his courtship of a girl who works at the local drug store. This Thewlis is the polar opposite of Johnny, a sweet and nerdy boy on a bike. Particularly delightful is watching this sweet twenty minutes immediatly following Naked. A cleaning of the palate.

I am a nut for packaging so I should point out that the release is beautifully presented, with a stark photo of Thewlis serving as the cover art. More DVD releases should follow in Criterion's footsteps as often studios make the worst possible choices for DVD cover art. A prime example would be the recent 'A History of Violence' which had the best theatrical 1-sheet poster of the year, which has been sadly replaced on the DVD with a photoshop collage.

OVERALL:
Not recommended if you are easily depressed. Highly recommended to all others.

Welcome to Viewingfork!

2006-03-27T14:50:00.000-08:00

It only makes sense that someone who likes music as much as do would love Movies as well. And not the mainstream type, but the indie variety.

So this little site is for my ramblings on movies, mostly DVD releases. I will also feature the kind of strange randomness i have posted on TuningFork, only movie related.

I will try to update as often as i can, but that of course is dependent on when i can buy movies or when kind people have sent them to me to review. There will be other contributors as well who will bring their own spin to the siteBut there may be some first run reviews as well.

And since i do love music so much there will be plenty about music in movies, as well as soundtracks.

So Enjoy.